He started it!

If you have kids, work with kids, or have even just been around kids for more than two minutes you have no doubt heard this phrase. So why is it that even though you saw this child walk over and push the other kid that he will not admit it. Well that is what we are talking about today.

Kids are awesome. I love watching them develop and interact with the world around them. Most people are unaware that for most kids the concept of guilt doesn't really develop until the ages of 4 or 5. This where the terrible two and terrifying threes come from. The reason it seems kids at that age act with no remorse is because, well they don’t really have any yet. Now please bear with me when we talk about “NORMAL DEVELOPMENT”. There really is no such thing. As I will discuss later in a different post, we know very, very little about how the human brain actually develops. So when we hear people talk about “normal” its all really very relative.

So, kids are just starting to understand and feel guilt for the actions they have done. That is one reason they feel like they didn't start a fight, however it is much more likely due to this reason. Until the ages of 8-12 (remember this is according to “normal” development) children perceive events based on their emotional outcome rather than what actually happened. So this means that even though billy walked over, took the car from bobby’s hand (and subsequently got pushed for it) he will not feel like it was his fault. In his mind he was wronged by the other kid. It doesn't matter that he indeed started it, all that matters is that he got pushed and he still doesn't have his car. He is the victim and not the problem.

It is the emotional outcome that matters most to the child. So, no matter his (or her) part in it, what matters most is how they feel at the end of it. This is why its so hard to monitor these confrontations with children. When you asked what happen they both adamantly declare the other person started it because that is what they honestly believe. Even if you try to reason and say Billy I saw you walk over and take his car, you will most likely get a response along the likes of “but it was my car and he took it when I wasn't looking”. The kid isn't going to own up to doing something wrong because they feel hurt.

Now this is supposed to occur around the ages of 8-12. During this time the child will start putting together the consequences of his/her own actions. They may still feel bad, but they begin to understand that if they simply asked for the car back instead of taking it they will get a better result. This is why when working with children we need to go over the outcomes of what could have happened. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen six year olds use their words to work out a problem.It really does work if we give the kids the tools necessary. Kids can be so nice if we give the chance, and actually teach them to be polite and consider the other person's feelings.

Now I am going to go a bit of a tangent. See, instead of teaching children to be their own advocate we tell them that they are the victim. So instead of being able to use a different approach (like their words) to solve a problem we teach them that they have been wronged. That it is not their fault. We trained them to acknowledge that everyone else is against them instead of how to get along with one another. So when they get older that's how they behave. their classmates, their teammates, even their siblings become rivals instead of allies.

Ok, lets wrap this up. So when we have our feuding children what do we do

1. Acknowledge the emotions of both kids. Yes one actually started it but if they still feel hurt that needs to be addressed before you can help
2. Don’t pick a side. Maintain neutrality and allow the children to speak with their own voice.
3. Give examples: Go through the scenarios of what would happen and how both kids would feel
4. Help them compromise: As long as both kids emotions have been recognized, find a solution that works for both kids
5. Same team: show the kids that by working together they can accomplish more, fighting just leaves to two unhappy kids who still don’t have what they want.

Why children aren't like they used to be

     I have noticed a trend over the past ten years or so that is quite disheartening. Children are no longer allowed to be children. It makes me sad how quickly now we over manage and determine the appropriateness of our children s behavior. See, even though a kid may talk like a teenager, act like a teenager, and even look like they a teenager they are still a kid. Forgetting this just ensures that when they are a teen, we won't like the behaviors they set forth. Why? Because you didn't let them be a child, so when they are a teen they are going to keep acting like a child. They were expected to grow up too fast and never had the opportunity to learn what was necessary to act appropriately to their age. 

     Setting aside the argument about appropriate materials (i.e. media) for children, I want to focus on why we let size determine how our children act. With the increase in medication, proper nutrition (and often times over-nutrition), and hormonal imbalance our kids are getting bigger. This is not necessary a bad thing. Our children are getting great immunizations, amazing amounts of vitamins and nutrients to promote bone and muscle growth, and getting excellent medical care that does things like set broken bones, mend sports injuries, and speed up recovery times for series illness. All of these good things, and all of things which lead to bigger healthy children. 
     There is also some downside. Too much fatty and processed food has lead to obesity and early onset puberty in many children. Combined with hormones being used in our food which in turn has an affect on our children leads to bigger children (and I don't mean taller). I am not here to have the debate over food practices, I am just using this information to state that our children and 1. getting bigger fast and 2. going through puberty at an earlier age. 


     Ok, so our kids are getting bigger so what? Well, since our kids are bigger we are assuming they are older. It doesn't matter if an eight year old is four feet tall or five feet tall, they are still eight. Just because they are not small and cute anymore doesn't mean they aren't a kid anymore. This is what we are forgetting. We see a big kid, we expect a mature kid. In doing so we put them through a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure. The poor kid is already growing too fast and has a physical body they are not ready to have, and now we expect them to suddenly grow up and be mature just because they had a growth spurt. I have worked with a lot of kids and it breaks my heart when a five year old feels like they are too big now to be picked up. Yes I get it, a five year old can be a pretty hefty kid, but you know what? Still five. Still wants to be held and treated like they are a preschooler no matter their size. I get than not everybody is able to pick up a 50 or 60 lb kid, but we can still let them act like a child.  

     We are no longer allowing children to act their age, but we want them to act their size. This is so stupid its actually hard for me type. Can you imagine a parent our at a park with there kids and their child jumps off the swing, or doesn't wait their turn the Mom yells out "Hey you are five feet tall you know better than that". Its ridiculous. We are taking a completely arbitrary measurement that a child has no control over whatsoever and we use it to determine the way our children should be behaving. 

     Since we see this bigger child as an older child it leads to the other end in the argument by assuming that child is more responsible and more mature. We give them to much responsibility and allow them to partake in things (media wise) that they are not old enough to handle. There is a reason why media has ratings that are based on age and not height. 

Ok, so end of rant, but please for me if you could, if you have a kid in your life whether its your own child or just a child in your who is important think about their age. Think about what life was like for you at that age and remember kids today are actually no different than they used to be. Inside, deep down we are all just children, and we all need our chance to be a kids.